Triglav Journeys

Thoughts on Dating

Some time has passed since my last entry and I ended another relationship. It was hard; but it brought me closer to where I want to be. After going on a few dates I decided to give it a rest and I even joined a meetup group that focused on dating, led by a professional dating coach Ben W. After working on myself for so many years doing therapy; talking to psyhics, attending self-growth seminars and searching my soul, I knew that something has to change. I even started to wonder if there is such a man oth there that would meet all my requirements? Maybe I am too picky, like some of my friends said, and maybe it is true that I should just accept that everyone has faults and issues? Most of all, I blamed myself for not being able to stay out of dating scene and that I kept trying and falling down. Yet, I knew deep down that I will never be happy if I keep settling and rationalizing when red flags show up or even just incompatibilities; such as sb's obsession with sport or messiness. My soul is crying for a true and mostly spiritual bond with my life partner. I am glad that I decided to work with a dating coach; actually it was very empowering and transforming; therapy made me buy into this idea that I am damaged becasue of my childhood; and that I have low self esteem and that I have been looking for a father figure - a man to take care of me - because I am not able to take care of myself; and that this will pretty much follow me all my life because some patterns and beliefs became so deeply ingrained in me. Then my coach helped me to see things from a different and fresh perspective - that I AM ACTUALLY STRONG, BRAVE, AND CONFIDENT for reaching out again and again, even after being hurt and wounded and ended with a broken heart and not passivelly waiting for a man to show up in my life. Taking risks and exposing your heart takes courage! He told me that those were just FALSE BELIEFS that I somehow adopted and that HE SAW NO PROOF of me having low self-esteem or not being able to take care of myself. I learned more about myself and came up with a list of my requirements that are deal brakers and will guide me when makign choices about who to date and whom just to say "thank you for your time" and going my way, without feeling bad or guilty for rejecting that person. I finally am getting it - I DESERVE THE BEST AND I DON'T HAVE TO SETTLE. Thanks Ben! From now on, I will be even more picky - in a healthy way. I will continue working with Ben on making sure that I apply what I ahve learned and practice my new skills of scouting; screening; scanning and testing. I need to practice saying "no" and it has been challenging because I was brought to believe that I need to be "nice" for people to like me. Now I choose to be a goddess and love myself first.

Check Ben's workshops - he even offers some free ones - at : http://www.benwinkler.com/cmd.php?af=947228

 

New Year's Resolutions

I cannot sleep. It has been a challenging year and I am where I started 2 years ago, looks like another failed relationship, although this time it is my choice. I am still trying, but my inner voice is telling me to move on. I don't know how long it will take, but it is hard to accept that. I know that I keep resisting my lesson not to be afraid to be alone. It took 3 relationships since my last heartache to admit this. It is time to stop and get out of this roller coaster. I think that I am finally ready to face it. I have learned a lot and I am stronger, more confident, and I am starting to accept myself more and love myslef as a wonderful human being. I have accomplished a lot; obtained my license, a better paid job in the insurance industry, and also starting in group practice soon. I am grateful to my friends and especially to my last boyfriend Michael, a fellow therapist, who helped me to belive in myself and brought joy to my life. No matter how much we try to compromise, and how much we care for each other, we are just too different, it seems. My soul is yearning to be with a man who deeply knows my soul and who is on the same energy vibration level. I want to settle; it would be an easy way out... but I want more from life. I want a spiritual transformation and be with somebody who is going to accompany me on this exciting journey of healing and soulful journeys. I have to have faith that there is such a man. I cannot give up. Life is too short not to keep hoping and following one's dreams. My most important New Year's resolution is to be true to myself and love myself no matter what. I feel I am getting closer. I also found this wonderful website www.tut. Here is the last note that I received from them:

It's the exact same for me, MATEJA. My love goes unreturned, I feel completely unappreciated, or some clown starts telling me what's wrong with the world (my world!). And so, I have to remind myself that I am the Universe, that this is an adventure, and that one day they will come to know the errors in their thinking. And, not that it matters at all, but I secretly hope that on that day I just happen to be carried past them, sitting in my processional throne, followed by throngs of admirers, with all the Angels singing, "We are the champions, my friends..."
MATEJA, you are the Universe, this is an adventure, and they will learn.
Tallyho,
    The Universe

Reflections

Since my last post, I was again reminded, like John Lennon once said, that life happens when we plan other things. In other words, we need to trust the process... whenever I want to push something that is not meant to be, I am again faced with reality. Just like in my last relationship that was wonderful in many ways; however, it is not time to settle down yet. We have different goals. I was laid off from a job that I really liked at Starting Place.. It was a big shock.. Luckily, it did not take me long to get a new job at the Chrystalis Center. It is not ideal; back to home visits, but I love what I do and it makes my day to see a smile on a child's face and when they hug me and tell me that they like me. I am close to getting licensed and I also started teaching a class for divorced parents. I am meeting many wonderful people and at the same time, I am trying not to be inpatient and trusting my gut instincts when it comes to inviting people in my life, especially when it comes to relationship. It is not easy; I am going to be 40, but I feel like 30. I am wondering if I trully want a child at this stage in my life. Can I give up everything? Will I be patient enough? I think I can still do it, but only if I meet a loving, supporting, and emotionally mature man. My soulmate.

Happy New Year 2008

Another year passed us and looking back I have many beautiful memories and some not so pleasant ones - the loss of loved ones and recent car accidents. However, I have grown much more facing new challenges and learned from my mistakes and I feel I am becoming stronger, wiser, and knowing myself much more. My goals for the year will focus getting back into the shape - I gained ten pounds in 6 months - getting back to the gym (I don't like it as much but it helps me stay on track). In addition, I am taking my licence exam and starting a new job. I also plan to reduce my debt - it has been a struggle; that's why I decided to take another PT job as a tutor for School Board. My goal is also to attract new clients for my practice and start teaching meditation class at BCC. I will definitelly keep myself busy! Maybe this will help me not to dwell on the issue of having a child. It's not easy; I am in a wonderful relationship, yet my boyfriend does not want to have more children. Time will tell if I am on the right path.

Miracles Exist in Everyday Life

I got once again reminded that life is full of surprises. Life is constantly changing. Happiness is followed by sadness, loss, tears, anxiety, and then it comes back like a sun after the rain, with renewed power. Love has come to knock on my doors again. I have almost abandoned hopes of ever feeling this amazing power of love, attraction, fireworks. It struck like a lightning in my life when I have least expected it. People have always told me that things happen when you least expect them. Yet, I kept chasing my happiness and it kept being illusive. When I just thought I was there, it was gone again. I am praying that this time it will stay around for a long time. If I get lucky, I may even get to walk hand in hand with my beloved, our grey hair, wrinkled skin, slow movements, yet still in love.

One of my favorite poets, Rumi, so well describes this amazing and anxious time, when love overtakes you, and you are blind to reason.

I wish I could give you a taste of

the burning fire of Love.

There is a fire

blazing inside of me.

If I cry about it, or I don't,

the fire is at work,

day and night.

People make clothing to cover their intellect

but the heat of Lovers is a shroud,

and lost in it.

My vacation

I have been having a blast spending my time in Slovenia and Croatia with my family and friends.. I recharged my batteries...air is wonderful.. 85 % forest.. wonderful green color...chatting with my friends... sitting at sidewalk cafes in old part of Ljubljana.. still I think that I have outgrown my country.. broadened my horizons... I feel more free in my home in the States in. I am going to miss my friends the most, especially my oldest friend Neli. We have shared so many ups and down in life during the last 20 years that we know each other. Half of my life. Scary. Our destinies seems to keep having same patterns. Our boyfriends ended up cheating on us. Our fathers died not too many years apart. We are both smart and intelligent and attractive, yet we cannot find the right man to settle down with. Like so many other friends that we know. What is happening to relationships these days? Have we become too demanding, selective, not willing to compromise anymore? I am still hopeful... And let me not forget my best friend Verena. We met in 1994 when I just graduated from College. She took me under her wing and became my mentor and my friend. We even lived together for a while. We are each others sisters that we never had. I love all of my Slovenian friends, including Henrik, Marija, Tina, Natasa, Matjaz, Tatjana, and Mateja. Everyone is special in their own way and make my life filled with gratitude.

Never Give Up on Yourself!

I have been really focusing on positive thoughts and manifesting positive changes in my life through daily meditation, affirmations, and listening to Law of Attraction CD's, and creating my "vision board" that includes my most important goals and desires: attracting a life-long mate for marriage and children; financial abundance, living in a peaceful and healthy environment, and most of all, being content and accepting of what is. I strongly believe that vibrating positive energy will bring positive people in your life. I am happy to report that it is working for me! I have attracted new and interesting people in my life and although I have not found my soul mate yet, I know that I am on the right path. I am being selective, but honest and I know that loving myself is still the key to attracting my soul mate. I also had a wonderful session with a psychic that came strongly recommended to me and I was able to uncover some of the blocks, especially in my heart chakra. I was told to work on forgiving myself and others, which is an ongoing journey. I also participated at bowl burning ceremony at Griffin's Loft - another wonderful spiritual place, where I am going to start volunteering to do Reiki Healing. Life is full surprises, we just need to be open and take risks, even at the expense of being hurt. It is the only way.

When Things Fall Apart

I am slowly healing with the help of my friends and especially my new special friend who is an amazing healer and does body work and massage. He helped me to believe in myself and to be willing to open my heart again. I don't know where are we headed, and I decided to go back to dating; I have struggled with this decision but it is the rigth decision for the moment. Sometimes I tend to be too harsh on myself and when I put all the "should's" and "have to's" I get depleted and joyless. I have just finished reading a wonderful book When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. The message is" suffering is part of life and the only way through the pain is to accept it and face it." SImilar message is found is Scott Peck's book Road Less Travelled. He speaks about the 4 important steps that need to be taken in order to make a change: delaying gratification; responsibility; dedication to reality and balancing. Many times we don't want to deal with pain and we run from it or deny it or blame somebody else, which does not serve us on the long run. At the same time, we need to be patient with our progress and our journey, which is what I am doing right now.

Life is Constantly Changing

Life is constantly changing. John Lennon once said: "Life happens when you plan other things." How true! When I just thought that my love journey is taking me to a stable, peaceful place where I can finally rest in the arms of my beloved, life presented a new lesson to me, quite unexpectedly. I even said to my friends that this was the man that I had waited for 20 years and that he is my reward for all the painful lessons and disappointments that I had endured over the years. Yet, as it seems, my time has not come yet. It is painful and it hurts, having my dreams crushed again... and yet, I know that I missed a lesson before and now it presented itself in a more bold way. Every time that we resist a lesson, it comes back to us stronger and more difficult to endure. My lesson was that although I am emotionally and mentally and spiritually clear on my path and have my independence, I still do not have my financial freedom and therefore I still expected a man to save me. I understand now that I am not going to be in a mutually interdependent (not co-dependent) relationship until I am able to accomplish that. Maybe one day I will be grateful to Randy that he had courage to break ties before we got more attached to each other. And just maybe, there is this gentle and loving man, who will love me with all is heart, and who will support my dreams and my passions of helping people heal. I am grieving the loss of love, yet I am glad that I had experienced it yet again and my soul is now vulnerable and I know that my time for healing and renewal has come and that I have to be strong and not run into another relationship to escape my pain. God give me strength to stay strong and not to resist my lesson again.

You Gotta Have Some Fun!

Recently I awarded myself with a mini-break to Disney World in Orlando; Magic Kingdom. I went there with my boyfriend who is an animator and is teaching animation and 3D at Florida Art Institute. We had a blast in spite of cold weather and I let my inner child to come out and play.